Why gratitude is so Important to Your Outlook
Lessons in Gratitude, and its Rewards
I learned how important gratitude was in 2011. Prior to that, I’d say, I had a ‘complainy’ personality. I saw the glass half empty. This was partially from being raised by an Armenian father. Armenian culture is still struggling to deal with the tragedy that besot it during the 20th century. After a decade of tragic decline from celiac disease,, my mother was fading in an assisted living facility over an hour from my house, and my father, who had been removed as her caregiver by the courts, lived two hours away in West Virginia. Every Sunday, the only day I didn’t have work, or have children to worry about, I would drive the two hours to West Virginia to pick him up, take him to see my mother for a few hours, then take him home, and then I’d make the haul back to Baltimore.
I felt sorry for myself during this time. I had very little ‘me’ time, the driving was hard on my tires, and aging my car, I was dealing with my mother’s slow, painful decline, and my father’s recurring bouts of madness and depression. I had been attending the Spiritual Empowerment Center’s meditations and services for a few years. Much was said about gratitude, but I hadn’t figured out what it really meant yet. In January of 2011, during a month of gratitude studies, we were asked to keep a daily journal of thing we were grateful for. My list started with ten items. By the fifth day, it had multiplied to fifty items a day or more. Pages of my journal were coated with all of the things and people I had taken for granted, from having running water, to a yard, to children who loved me unconditionally.
One day when I was talking to my sister-in-law about what was happening to my mother the lesson deepened exponentially. She was going through the same scenario, as we were, but with the roles reversed. Neighbors were calling, threatening to report her mother to social services if she didn’t start taking care of her father better. She was somewhat neglectful, despite a deep, unwavering love for him. I understood, although it’s not clear to someone not in the situation, how this happens. But for an elderly person to take care of their spouse as he or she declines from Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, or Dementia, is a brutal, brutal task. No amount of love can compensate for the tremendous stress, emotional trauma, and exhaustion that can result.
As we spoke she lamented the distance. If she hadn’t had children, she would have hopped on a plane and stayed with them to take care of her father. She agonized over her helplessness in the situation. That’s when it hit me. How unaware of the blessing of being so close to my parents I was. Mind you, I had cultivated this closeness, but even so, I saw the 1-2 hours drives as a burden, when in fact, I had such a huge advantage over those like my sister-in-law, watching loved one die from a distance, without the ability to assist or even be a part of their lives on a regular basis. I also recognized how powerful it was that I possessed a vehicle that was in good enough shape to make the drive every weekend.
Many, many times since then, this lesson has popped into the forefront of my consciousness, reminding me when I am overlooking my abundance of blessings.
Recently, I began musing over the men in my past whose valuable contributions and wonderful values I’ve overlooked. And I started calling them, and slowly relating how important they were and still are to me, how much I appreciated the things that they did for and with me, and expressed a joyful experience in revisiting our memories. This is truly one of the strangest experiences for me. I’m not used to telling men how much I appreciate them, because for the most part, I’ve experienced them as ‘hurters’. They hurt me. This is what I’ve believed. I have been deeply and persistently afraid of men, while in hindsight, realizing that they were also afraid of becoming involved with me. I don’t come to trust easily, for the same reasons.
So, I began calling my ex-partners, the most important, (and most painful) ones, and giving praise. Again, a stupendously difficult and strange thing for me to do. The reward has been the sigh on the other end. It’s as if a volcano suddenly cools down, and they connect with a place of gentleness not only within me, but within themselves. By my expressing appreciation and love for them, despite the past turmoil and hurt, they can then share their love for self with me, and also honor my embracing the Love for Self that is our Eternal Gift from Spirit.
Once I experienced this heart, love-centered sharing of souls, the reward spurred me on to do it again.
Here are some examples of how this manifested.
Hania:
Hania and I traveled together extensively during the Winter of 07’. I thought we were a match made in heaven, but we were both suffering from the same issues, and therefore, couldn’t support each other’s growth properly. So we imploded, and ended up in almost complete silence. After the trip ended, and he went back to his corner of the universe, and I mine, I realized that our connection had been much deeper that I’d realized. It was one of the most painful breakups of my life, and I’m (clearly) still unraveling it. But here’s what I said to him, calling him out of the blue one beautiful frigid Winter day:
Thank you for inviting me on the journey with you.
Thank you for trusting me enough to allow for it to happen.
Thank you for helping me face my fears during the trip. You were patient, and kind, and never made me feel small. You told me I was capable. You helped me succeed.
I love your sense of justice. You are a peace maker and I find that an amazing quality.
I trust you around me sons, because you would never belittle or discourage them.
You are a steward of the Earth, an Earth warrior if you will and I love this.
If I ever went backpacking, I would want to go with you, because you are incredibly resourceful, talented, and strong. I feel safe with you.
It went on. These are some of the more pertinent ideas that I related to him, over the space of an hour. They were twisted in with long, drawn out stories about how I came to these realizations, and he patiently listened, as I recanted each one until it ended in an expression of love and gratitude.
At the end of the conversation, he said, “ I feel Seen”.
My brother:
My older brother and I have been at odds with each other since our twenties. I can’t even really elucidate why. It’s just always been that way. I’ve always thought that he just doesn’t like me, although I don’t know, as we don’t talk enough for me to have any understanding. When my mother was dying, it got really bad. He and my other brother actually took me to court to prevent me from having guardianship over my mother after my father became mentally unbalance, and couldn’t care for her anymore. So, I’ve been very fearful of him since then. It was a horrible experience that left deep scars, including mistrust of almost everyone in the family except for my father. Even now, I start tearing up as I write this. Talk about near the surface!
But for the last several months, almost a half a year to date, my father has been undergoing terrible suffering. And my brother has been there every step of the way. Whereas with my mother, no one except for my father and me visited her during the last years of her life, my brother has been deeply involved in my father’s care. And we’ve been talking to each other regularly, and making decisions together. Something is different this time. We’ve only come close to a fight once, and for the most part, he has been very respectful of me, even when my opinions are different than his.
So, recently when we’ve talked, I have given him compliments.
Thank you for doing so much for Pop
You’ve been working so hard at helping him, I can take some of that load off of you if you wish.
It sounds like he responds really well to your encouragement. Maybe you can share this with the staff there so that they can improve their care of him.
Again, this has been incredibly strange and difficult. But each time I do it, it gets easier. I’m still angry at what happened in the past, and I still don’t trust anyone in my family, but I’m able to recognize the very good things that my brother has been doing, including the shift in how he speaks to me, which has been a huge benefit for all involved, but especially my father, as we are all he really has to lean on.
John:
John and I started off really well, but then something shifted, and it got more and more complicated and emotionally trying. Eventually, I decided it best not to reach anymore. But throughout this time, even with the long separations and silences, I continued to learn so much, mostly through behind-the-scenes soul work. John and I work on ethereal scale, as most souls do, but ours is very potent.
Here are some powerful lessons and guidance that I’ve received, partly through our contract, and partly from sheer will on my part to push through mental and emotional barriers, with his willing Spirit by my side.
Thank you for helping me find the path back to my heart. By connecting me to my heart, you connected me to joy again, and each step is brighter for it.
Thank you for the love and affection that you shared with me. I made me feel wonderful.
You took my Spirit Mind down overgrown paths, and helped cleared the cobwebs, so that I could begin to grow and flourish again.
Through mirroring, I’ve learned to address my issues with commitment. I’ve been examining places in my life where I invite, but don’t follow through or support the invitation.
Through mirroring, I’ve begun to address my tendency to flirt and seduce in order to ‘earn’ love.
Our relationship has helped me realize how powerful my mind is, and how I am creating this life every step of the way.
Your lack of trust has helped me see my lack of trust.
I am able to see clearly through the veil and recognize your contribution to my angelic growth. This is a willing sacrifice from you, and part of your Path, but I want you to know that I appreciate it.
So I urge you to try this process yourself. Maybe you’re not ready. One way to start is by thinking of someone that you have shared a lot of pain with. Visit that person in your mind, and gently recognize something positive about their presence in your life, past or present. This does not mean you don’t recognize the pain that has been part of your engagement. It is, in a way, balancing the scales, so that you are aware of their positive presence in your life.
No one comes to us without our permission. These are hard lessons to learn if we are in a place of blame. If it is always someone else’s fault, then we never realize the incredible power and control that we have over what happens to us.