Make Space for Yourself

As women, we’re often taught to live small. Until the women’s rights movement, this was reflected in women occupying a smaller sphere of influence in their home and community than their husbands even in today’s modern world this can manifest in a number of  ways. It could be by making our physical body smaller, to take up less space so that the people around we have more space, for example, in a car or on a bus, or on the sidewalk, or even in our intimate spaces like our bed.

Another way it can show up is by not asserting our opinion in a conversation, so that someone else’s opinion has more strength. This is our hyper sensitive way of making sure we’re accommodating everyone else’s needs instead of our own.

In the workspace, this can manifest as not asking for promotions, or accepting pay that is less than what is deserved or owed. We often devalue ourselves. We’re not taught how to strategize to manifest receiving higher pay and greater responsibilities.

Unfortunately, this programming can take hold and lead us down a path where we essentially erase ourselves. This can manifest in a feeling of being lost or invisible in our relationships, in our jobs, and in our homes. It unempowers us and belies the fact that we are powerful manifesters when we provide the space for ourselves. Ultimately, it can lead to depression and withdrawal.

One example where the artifacts of this behavior shows up, is in a woman’s response to divorce, versus a man’s. Oftentimes women have lost so much of themselves in their marriage, whether it’s from bearing the brunt of raising children, running the household, or supporting their husband‘s career, and they’re feeling so depleted as individuals, that divorce is actually an open door towards realizing their own dreams.

While this is focused on cisgender relationships and traditional, male-female programming, and dynamics, it is not exclusive to women. People of all genders and orientations will continue to experience this until they step out of the feminine principle to adapt, conform, and acquiesce, and into a masculine dynamic of expansion with a healthy sense of self-centeredness.

Soooooo……how can we change this? How can we invite in a larger more powerful version of ourselves?

The first step is to develop awareness:

In what ways do we over accommodate others? In what situations do we make ourselves smaller, often without being prompted?

What dreams have we put to the side in order to throw ourselves into helping someone else realize theirs?

Start by observing how you engage in the physical space:

When you’re in a store and someone gets a little too close to you in line, do you inch forward a little bit to accommodate them? During a tense conversation, when someone is getting a little louder, do you shrink away in order to avoid an argument?

When you sit down in a public place and there are people next to you who take up a lot of room, do you close your legs tighter so they have more space?

How about at work? When a big opportunity comes up, do you let it pass you by because you’re afraid you’re not qualified?

Once you’ve started observing your behaviors and pinpointing those situations where you’re making yourself smaller in real time, the next step is to go into an uncomfortable space where you reverse that behavior.

Setting the intention for how much space you will claim is an important step:

Take walking on the sidewalk for example. Notice if you tend to hug the edge of the sidewalk so that other people have more room to walk. Now imagine that there’s a line intersecting the middle of the sidewalk, and now claim all of that space for yourself. Remind yourself that you don’t need to move over for anyone. If you see a group of two people walking toward you and your tendency is to move over so they have space to walk side-by-side, instead, maintain your space on your half of the sidewalk and let them reconfigure so that one of them is walking behind the other one when they pass you.

Don’t be afraid to puff yourself up a little bit.

That’s what birds do when they want to establish their dominance. Think about a peacock. When they want to let another bird know that they have a powerful place, they soread out their beautiful tail, which takes up exponentially more room than when it’s closed. Let your arms swing a little wider, stand taller, puff out your chest. Be large!

This is all guaranteed to make you feel uncomfortable. To you this probably sounds like you’re being mean or selfish. But remember, we’re not trying to teach ourselves to take up more space than we should, we’re trying to retrain ourselves to claim the space that is naturally and rightfully ours. Taking small steps to reclaim it in the mundane areas of life will start to shift your energy around how you place yourself in the world, around how much value you assign to your time, to your existence, and to your contributions.

In your relationships, practice, saying to your partner or your friend, “I really love when we do things together, and I love accompanying you too, { insert event that your partner loves and you don’t}, but I also want to start spending some time doing things that I really enjoy. I understand if you can’t always come with me, and I don’t want you to think I’m pulling away from us, but I definitely need to make more time for me, and the activities I enjoy.”

Another way to build energy into broadening your place in this world is to recognize your value and affirm that.

Do this over and over. Take a moment to do some journaling and make a simple list of your skills, your contributions, your accolades and your strengths. You might be surprised by how much you’ve brought into the world that you don’t acknowledge.

Turn your commitments into affirmations:

Once you’ve made this list, read each item out loud, and say firmly and lovingly to your past self, “You’re amazing! Thank you for this contribution!” Trust me when I say that if you are not celebrating you, it will be hard for others to do so.

It’s OK at your job to remind people around you about your contributions and your successes. It’s not bragging, although there’s nothing wrong with bragging in moderation, it’s a statement of fact. What you present will shift peoples’ perception of your value.

Another space where you can examine opportunities to create a bigger footprint for your existence, is in your home, (assuming that you live with other people).

Take an inventory and look around for spaces that you call your own. Are they tiny little nooks, tucked away because you don’t believe there’s enough room in your house for more? Do you have a desk, craft, or a work area that’s just for you? Are there pictures of you from various stages in your life when you achieved success around that area? Do you have that space marked off as your own with a clear boundary? Do other household members honor, and respect that that’s your space and that you deserve to have something just for you?

If not, you may need to start doing some deeper inner work around knowing that you deserve the gifts that are yours. Feeling that you are undeserving will lead to many examples of not stepping into your power, and not stepping into a space of manifestation, with things as simple as, how your home is set up and how much space in it is your domain, all the way to lower pay at your job.

So let’s remember, the world needs our gifts. The only person that can bring them forth is us! So breaking the programming that teaches us to be small, will make the world a better place, guaranteed! If the people around us experience a little bit of chaos and discomfort in accommodating us, they will work through it, and everyone will be better off. Our happiness, and vibrancy, are an essential part of the lives of everyone who we come in contact with.